Most Ultimate Douchebags

So I’m working in the wine section, and I notice this guy and his girlfriend walking through the domestic merlot aisle:

I’m interested at first by the fact that it’s such an obvious and incredible case of “butter guy.”  I mean, this guy is at least 20 years her elder, bald, sweaty and has awful teeth (not pictured), and SHE is just completely smokin.  As I work my way closer to them, to deliver the ubiquitous “Finding everything alright?”, I begin to overhear their conversation. He seems upset:

“This is ridiculous! Their selection is pathetic!”

Now, I don’t know what kind of mega-monster wine emporium warehouse he’s accustomed to shopping in, but my store has roughly 2500 different wines from hundreds of different countries, regions, and wineries.  It seems to me that this gentleman may not be completely aware that we carry anything other than merlot.  So I make my approach. 

“Hi!  Can I help you find anything?”  I ask, all customer service.

“Well -*exasperated scoff*- I mean, I don’t know; do you have any actual WINE in your WINE STORE?” he demands, his brow seeming to redouble it’s moistening efforts about his cheeks and former hairline at this total outrage.

I’ve seen all this before.  I mean, wine snobs are a dime a dozen when you work at a wine shop, I’m not shocked that this guy is a douchebag.  (Take note, self-satisfied wine snobs:  you’re not impressing anyone.) 

“Indeed we do!  Were you looking for anything in particular?” I respond cheerfully.

“Yes, but you don’t have it, I already looked,” he says dismissively, waving his fat, sweaty hand vaguely. 

“Try me.”

“Well all I need is some decent French wine, and you don’t have ANY French wine!” he cries in frustration.

False.

“Well, as a matter of fact, we DO have some french wine!  Right this way!”  I show him to France, even though he’s really insisting that there’s no such place.  I mean, he LOOKED!  He was actually pretty close, it’s just a few aisles over.  I point out the section, and now he goes about the business of peering at the labels and scoffing dramatically occasionally.  It’s at this point that his unreasonably hot girlfriend starts conversing with him in German.  To this point, I assumed that they were just your regular run of the mill American wine snobs, but now I can see that one of them is European.  I might have known.  We meet again, euro-douche.

He seems incapable of reading any of the signage in the store, so he keeps asking me how much things cost, making me read off the price-tags to him as he points, seemingly randomly, to different bottles on the shelves.  This behavior is a widely practiced one among nightmare customers, effective in making my day a little crappier in that it forces me to stay with them indefinitely, thereby preventing me from helping any other customers, throwing any freight, or otherwise working.

While he’s asking the prices of things, his girl will periodically ask him a question in German, which he then asks me.  I answer the questions, and he says the answers in German.  This goes on for a time, mostly questions like “Is this ALL the French wine you carry?” (no man, we heard you were coming and hid the good shit) or “Why don’t you have [whatever random wine I had one time at this tiny random winery in France 22 years ago]…[when my girlfriend was 3]?” (Because I know exactly what wine you mean, and I hate it) and so on.  Eventually, after roughly 5 minutes of this, I suggest that they try a California wine.

“You know, we really don’t have a huge French section, you’re right.  But you know what we do have?  Hundreds and hundreds of California wines, many of which are modeled very closely after French wines!”  This is all true, many California wineries make only Bordeaux-style blends, which have, in blind tastings, fooled real-life French wine experts.

“HAH!” his says, having himself a chuckle.  “You mean you expect me to buy an AMERICAN wine?  To SERVE?? Heh, right, sure.  No, I’m not going to serve my guests Carlo Rossi, thanks anyway.”

This guy just keeps on outdoing himself with feats of douchebaggery.  He goes on to reveal that he actually lives in France full time, and that he’s rented a “chateau” in town while he’s visiting some friends of his who (god only knows why) moved to dreary, boring San Fransisco, and he’s NOT going to embarrass himself by bringing AMERICAN wine to their home. 

All the things I’ve said thus far very securely place these people in the top 10 percentile of high grade douchebags, but what I see next was truly astounding.

The girl begins to talk to the guy in perfect, American English.  This girl, totally an American, was having her guy translate for her, because what?  She couldn’t be bothered to speak English herself?  Of all the pointless, arrogant nonsense. It’s especially stupid when combined with the complete refusal to believe that California can produce good wine (FYI: it can).  I mean, you LIVE in France!  Drink French wine there!  But you’re on vacation in California, man!  Try some California wine!

Let it be known:  The only thing more arrogantly self-righteous than a genuine European wine snob is an American who desperately wants to be a European wine snob.

Retail tip of the day:  Just because you looked for it and didn’t find it doesn’t mean it’s not there!

My 7s

last one…taken by floet

Les bordelais sont trop archaïques 

untitled by Elizabeth Spence on Flickr.

Bordeaux is beautiful…

HulK & la GROSSE CLOCHE!

Laura Garrison, Editor, Lot18

The character shouts “I am NOT drinking any f**king Merlot.” The audience roars with laughter. The collective hearts of Merlot producers sink. Suddenly,seven words from Paul Giamatti’s lips threatened the future of Merlot’s reputation.

I’m of course talking about the 2004 film Sideways, a frequent subject of contention in the wine world. Whether the movie was the root cause or just the tipping point, Merlot became a pariah among mass wine consumers. Admittedly, I found myself under the influence of the “Sideways Effect,” fearing the judgment my peers would bestow upon me if I ever so much as drank Merlot, let alone purchased a bottle or , heaven forbid, actually ordered it in public. Actual Merlot fans found themselves with a dirty little secret on their hands.  

Here’s the problem, though. We accepted the condemnation of Merlot as dogma, and left it at that.  We didn’t stop to ask why Merlot gets such a bad rap. So join me now in doing just that:

What is the deal with Merlot?

For starters, Merlot is a mover and a shaker in the wine community, used for both blending purposes and as a stand-alone product. This black grape variety tends to produce medium-bodied wines, less tannic than its full-bodied peer Cabernet. It originally hails from Bordeaux and was first documented in the Libournais in 1784, according to the Oxford Companion to Wine. Merlots also tend to have lower acidity and color than other reds. And it can be downright versatile when it comes to climates it will grow in, ripening easier than the Cabernet in cooler conditions. So it shouldn’t surprise you to know that the Merlot grape is one of the most widely planted red varieties in the world. 

So if it’s so successful, why the bad rap? Well, if I may apply the rules of the high school jungle here: everyone resents the popular kid. Usually we have to grumble about him or her behind closed doors, but Sideways opened the floodgates for us to air our gripe openly. And when the popular kid gets around as much as the Merlot vine does, well, it’s bound to yield some unsavory offspring. 

On the other hand, Merlot is so mild, plays so well with others, is so easy on the palate that at the end of the day maybe it’s just plain …boring.  Wine Spectator’s resident California Merlot writer Tim Fish cites this as the reason why Merlot drives him “crazy.” Great for blending, troubled alone.

But one man’s so-called trash is another’s treasure and the same should be said in defense of Merlot. It is, after all, great for blending. It might not be the starting pitcher in the game, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t a damn good closer. So if you see Merlot AND Cabernet on a wine label, you might be passing up a real gem.  

Wine writer Lisa B. Zimmerman argues Merlot is actually an “essential stepping stone for consumers new to the wine fold.” It’s a gateway to the wonderful world of vino. This year’s Merlot drinker is tomorrow’s Petit Sirah champion. Or, advocate for better Merlots. And there are some excellent Merlots out there awaiting your discovery. Lucky for you, Lot18 wants to take you there.

Our wine procurement specialists curate an amazing selection of wines, and Merlots are no exception.  We recently offered a 2007 Pepper Bridge Merlot from Walla Walla Valley voted literally “Best Merlot in the Land” by Food & Wine Magazine. So, in your face, Giamatti! 

Sure, there are plenty of “bad” Merlots in the marketplace, but there are also lots of “bad” Cabernets and despite the glowing endorsement from Sideways, Pinot Noir has its share of stinkers too. 

Selecting a wine can be daunting, but don’t let the fear keep you from a love affair with a great Merlot.  

I’ll admit it. I’ve been at an almost 100% snub-rate of Merlot, but I’m ready to reconcile. Let’s end this Sideways effect once and for all, and say “Tonight, I AM drinking a f**king Merlot!”

My 7s